How do I define adoption reunion? When I was little I believed that if I reunited with my mother she would have to replace my mom. This is the first time Ive actually acknowledged this feeling, even to myself, but it was there just way down deep inside and sitting quietly, waiting. So I waited until I turned eighteen and flew off to college. While at college I thought that I was mature enough to begin my search. I wanted to know who she was and where she came from. What was her story? What were the circumstances surrounding her relinquishment of me? Who was my father? Did I look like them? Could this be because I was majoring in journalism at the time and investigative reporting intrigued me? Or could it have been the womanҒs studies class which made me proud to be a strong, independent woman who had the right to know her heritage? I dont know, but one day in speech class, no less, I decided I would give a speech on what it was like to be adopted. I went home and told my mom that I was giving a speech on adoption and did she have any information she could give me that would help in my research. She pulled out some of the papers she had kept and shared them with me. Mostly it was non identifying information about my birth parents along with the doctorҒs name, the social workers name, and a booklet on adoption with a poem on the back. That was it? There had to be more, after all this was a legal matter. Typically in legal matters theres a ton of paperwork. I had my work cut out for me. Writing the speech was difficult due to the lack of information so I read books, lots and lots of books. I found the more I read the more I wanted to keep reading. I wanted to know everything I could in regards to adoption, search, and reunion. Some of the titles I read were Birthright, Primal Wound, and Letters to My Birthmother, to name a few. While reading I would feel angry, sad, hopeful, hopeless, ҅It was a roller coaster of a ride. Did I want to open this can of wormsӔ as I called it only to run the gamut of emotions? I decided that if I found her I would go and spyӔ on her and the rest of her family to see what they were like, but I didnt need to know them. That would be my ғreunion. After all I had a family and I didnԒt want to betray them. Betrayal. Loyalty. Two words that haunted me throughout my life. In a nutshell I felt that by finding my birthmother I would betray my family. They had done so much for me. I wouldnt be the woman I am today if it werenҒt for them. How could I be loyal to them if I started searching for my birthmother? Wouldnt they think I was trying to replace them? WouldnҒt they feel unworthy? Why would she do this to us? My familys feelings were right up front. And in all the books I was reading it should have been my feelings, mine, that came first. Selfish? At the time I thought so. The speech written, I stood before my classmates and spoke about the adoption process from an adopteeҒs perspective, giving them vital information on the actual process and what my adoptive family went through, what I went through, and what I thought my birthmother went through. There wasnt a dry eye in the place. I left them with a final thought: ғNature versus nurture, Which am I the product of, The one who gave me life, Or the one who gives me love. These were the last lines of the poem that was written on the back of the booklet that my mom received from the social worker. At the time I thought it was beautiful. Reading those words now gives me a stomach ache. IԒm the product of both. Its that simple. I have two mothers, both of them equal in my eyes; not one ғversus the other. A mother gave me life and she loved me enough to do what she thought was best for both herself and me considering her circumstances. A mother gave me life by showing me a world filled with opportunities and she loved me enough to give me wings that I could fly, going off on my own to become a strong, independent woman. ThereԒs no competition; its not a football game. In getting back to my original question, how do I define adoption reunion? Adoption reunion is bringing together all the pieces of the puzzle so that we may celebrate our lives. Mood: Thoughtful

And it ain't getting any easier. I love showing her pictures to my friends, they hate it. It makes everyone cry to mention her, so I don't. And I still sleep with her blanket (can't sleep without) Miss her voice the most today. Wish I could of give her a bath just once! Mad at myself for not being firmer on my time with her before the adoption. I wanted more time with her, they regulated the amount each day. Afterward I learn she was still my baby then, I had the right. Oh well, I think I'm in the grief/angry stage of the process. I keep self evaluating myself in hopes I make progress I can see. I can celebrate her 7 month birthday in 2 days, by myself again. I won't bake a cake this time (that was just because the 6 month is special) but I do get so excited and proud of her that day(especially that day, I mean) The night of her b-day is the pits though. I just feel like Im missing out on so much! I am, but it's not about me anymore. It never could be about me again. I tried that one day and it' didn't feel right. I guess that's what being a mom is about. Dang, I love that girl!

I have been wondering why I should adopt instead of having my own child. What are some reasons to adopt?

my husband and i are beginning to look into international adoption. we legally married last year, however, have been in domestic partnership since beginning of 2009. We started our research, but the amount of information is overwhelming. Does anyone have any suggestions what countries we should be looking at or retrogradations for international adoption agencies - I am 31 years old and my husband is 40. Looking forward to any information anyone is willing to share.

In truth, they really don't understand what it feels like to be adopted. They don't understand the questions in your head that you wonder about almost every day and can never answer. Or the fact that your adoption lurks in the background. It is somewhat like a shadow that never speaks. There are also feelings of being an "outsider" everyday. Another lack of understanding among people "who don't get it" is why we as adoptees can't move on and forget about the adoption. I wish we could. No one has been able to provide any direction to do that.

I was born in the early 1960's and put up for adoption. It was supposed to be a secret but others notice things about me that were different. Although I was loved, I looked nothing like the family I grew up in and one time someone commented on it.. Any comment that I was different than the rest of the family or different would make the mother that raised me very angry. She would tell me, "Ignore the comment. They don't know anything." I remember overhearing my mother who was very angry about a comment that someone made saying that my brother and I weren't really brother and sister and that I was from a different family. I was all she could do not to tell that person off but she couldn't because the person who made this comment was someone that I didn't know. This was an off handed comment that was made at a social gathering. I always felt that something about me was different but I didn't know what it was. I was never made to feel different from my family, so I thought I was imaging it. I was labeled the girl or woman that was different, odd or distant and was a victim of bullying which was intense at time during 5th-8th grade. I've never had a lot of friends and the friends that I had I rarely got close to as I've been hurt by some many people outside my family (people who were my friends in school would then turn on me), that by the time I got to middle-school, I didn't care anymore. I totally disconnected at this point to people outside my family, as this was my way of protecting myself from being hurt. I put a wall up which was very difficult to break. Perhaps it was because I was too clingy. I don't know. This was something my mom had difficulty understanding as it was believed that someone who was distant, who didn't show any affection towards others came from a dysfunctional family. Sometimes my mom didn't understand me and couldn't understand at times why I felt or thought a certain way. My relationship with men were distant and didn't last beyond six months. In my lifetime, I was unofficially engaged for a couple of weeks to someone I didn't love.. I was not surprised when the relationship didn't work out. I had been abandoned so many times that this was nothing new. It was my MO and the story of my life when it came to men. Eventually I gave up on dating. I never married nor did I have children. Sometimes I have regrets about this but most of the time I don't. One thing which is difficult for people around me to understand is that I have extreme sensitivity to things people do or say to me or others. Teachers in report cards always made the point that I was extremely sensitive to things that I cried when there was no reason to. They couldn't say much when in 4th grade my mother told the teachers that they would be very upset if someone put glue on their chair and they sat in it and it ruined their outfit and the kids laughed about it. I was so upset I started sobbing. At least two of these teachers I know would have used the paddle on any kid who did something like that to them. They would have been furious.. Back then, paddling was used as punishment. I was never paddled. When I was a child, a unkind remark or someone scolding me would bring me to tears and crying. I can pick up when there is tension in a room. I have difficulty being in the same room with someone I know that doesn't like me (I have to tune it out which I can do most of the time). I can't stand being in a room with an individual who has anger issues and I've been able to pick them out when others have either ignored it or questioned my judgement. A couple of times I've had to leave a room or leave the store I was in because the anger I was sensing was so intense that it was scary. My mother always thought that this sensitivity came from the fact that my birth mother most likely was upset while pregnant with me. She wasn't a victim of violence when she was pregnant with me and the family that I was raised in there was no violence which made me wonder how I picked up on people who had a anger issues (perhaps the bullying had something to do with it). When my birth mother contacted me, I later found out that it was very likely that she was a victim of domestic violence or was threatened with violence (not by my biological father). She didn't tell me the detail, but she was in a bad relationship at once point in her life. I started shaking after the phone call ended and they I started to cry picturing her being hurt and then picturing this man coming after me as a child which I have no doubt that this most likely would have happened if I was with her. My crying turned into sobbing uncontrollably which I did for almost an hour I had a very difficult time functioning at work and I was on the verge of tears. This went on for about 2 days. Even typing this is bringing tears to my eyes. I had to talk to the counselor about this. The mother that raised me told me that she should have never told me this. Sometimes I've wonder if my sensitivity to people who were angry was related to perhaps picking up what was happening to her, even though I knew nothing about it at the time. .

A typical teenager wanting to be anywhere but here, I requested a set of luggage for Christmas. I adopted romantic images of myself traveling to places like Italy carrying a vintage distressed leather suitcase with an ornate antique skeleton key unlocking a fabulous travel wardrobe. The weeks of anticipation of what would greet me under the Christmas tree inspired a fury of research of all the places I would go. With the same eager anticipation of my younger siblings, I rushed to see what Santa had left for us and spotted the outline of an evergreen colored boxy shadow camouflaged and slightly illuminated by the twinkle of the multi-colored lights nestled in the tree branches. At closer examination, I found a soft-sided fabric suitcase with Velcro-type surface straps and a festive red bow attached to the plastic buckles. Technically, my wish was fulfilled. However, I couldn’t prevent the dissipation of the original vision of my travel adventures. I would like to think I was able to conceal the disappointment I had for this gift given to me so lovingly. Recently, I read with an interest a Women’s Health article titled, “4 Different Families Talk About the Gifts and Challenges of Adoption” that reminded me of this past Christmas gift. The article opened with the following paragraphs: Parenting is all-consuming, blissful, demanding, and rewarding. It has ups, it has downs, it has highs, and it certainly has lows. And for anyone who has the desire to parent and is lucky enough to experience parenthood firsthand, you know that nothing is quite like making your kids happy. This is especially true for parents who adopted. As you'll learn from the stories below, having the ability to change a child's life is not just an act of generosity—it's also one of the best gifts you can give yourself. As an adopted child, I often wonder why there are not more articles about the “Gifts and Challenges of Being Adopted” or including the perspective of adopted children and their feelings, experiences, and thoughts. Perhaps it is not the number of articles, but more about my own personal experience reading articles like this one. When I was about 12 years old, I can recall a memorable experience in a fellowship hall. Blocked by a cluster of church ladies, I managed to mumble a somewhat polite pardon for shoving my way through to get to the table of assorted pastries and apple juice. One of the ladies wearing a purple floral dress and white strappy sandals asked me, “Aren’t you Terry’s daughter?” My mother was the director of the church’s child care center. “Yes,” I replied and yet solely focused on the one remaining donut filled with strawberry jam resting on the silver tray, “I am.” “I just think it is incredible how your parents adopted you,” she said with her head tilted ever so slightly to the left. The degree of the angle of her head annoyed me greatly as I detected degrees of sympathy running through the muscles of her neck. My suspicion was confirmed in her next statement. “You must feel so very lucky to have been adopted by a loving family. I was fortunate to have children on my own, but if I had been unable to do so I definitely would have considered adoption,” she continued, oblivious to my cheeks turning the color of the jam contained within my desired donut. “You must wonder what your life might have been like if you had not been adopted and feel blessed to be an American.” The “must” part of her sentences must have pushed me over the edge as I aggressively nodded my head up and down, maybe grunted an audible response, and then pushed my way through to snatch the donut from its spot. I spun around and took exaggerated bites purposely permitting blobs of jelly to drop to the floor. When I reflect on my pre-adolescent response, it is the same twinge I get when reading articles about adoption as acts of generosity. And the reason is because, although not malicious, it makes me feel like that piece of luggage sitting under the Christmas tree. A present delivered and then forced to reckon with unmet expectations and expected gratitude. Technically, a husband and wife became parents via adoption, but it wasn’t how it was originally imagined - kind of unwanted, but accepted graciously. And the burden of accepting this noble and generous gesture falls to Anna the adoptee would at times generate feelings of resentment. It is not that I don’t believe there is an inherent heroic aspect of adoption, but it can (at least in my case) create this feeling of separation and difference rather than connection and belonging. Being an adopted child has ups, it has downs, it has highs, and it certainly has lows. In the end, both parent and child (adopted or biological) will have their lives altered in a myriad of ways. It is one of the most life-defining relationships you will have - and is one of the best gifts in life.

Today I was with a friend and she asked me if she could ask me questions about adoption. She shared with me about how she fears adoption because she hates the thought about the deep loss. The tragic, traumatic, grief that is all encompassing. We talked about how I am constantly looking at my son and thinking about his birth mama and wondering how it will impact him as he grows. And about how much pain is all-encompassed in adoption. How its hard to just fully feel only joy regarding him, because loss is wrapped up so much in his identity and story and history. We talked about how we cannot imagine being strong and brave enough to say, "I am not in a place I want to be, to parent my child," and place them into another mamas arms. We talked about how openness helps with all of us -- that as my son grows, him knowing his bio mom will hopefully be nothing but a blessing to him. It was very emotional and very raw and I wish more prospective adoptive parents held this perspective...the balance of grief and joy, loss and gain, the goodness in openness.

[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/02/bf26a017a9b8281d86c2afec10c1f6ad_view.jpg[/img] Adopted at birth by two wonderfully loving and supportive parents, I didn't give a lot of thought to searching for my birthmother---even though my adoptive parents had always offered their support of my doing so----until I had a child of my own, and the need to tell this faceless person that I was alright, that she had made the right decision, was overwhelming to me. I couldn't imagine never seeing my child again, and I suddenly became very concerned about the woman who had given me life. I could only suspect that her worry and anguish were unbearable. The media does an amazing job of portraying "adoption reunion" stories with fairy tale endings, where all the parties involved are blissfully complete, now that they have found each other. They are most oftentimes warm and touching portrayals of a lifechanging event, and although I don't doubt the authenticity of those occurances, I learned for myself in a very real and personal way that there are exceptions to these happy reunions.......there was no way for me to prepare for what I experienced, and given the abundance of evidence on these "feel good" reunion shows, it's no surprise that I was blindsided and heartbroken by what came to be. Starting my Search in Earnest When I finally made the decision to begin searching for my birthmother, I didn't have a lot of options open to me: My husband and I were newlyweds and living on a full time student income---very little---while I stayed home to take care of our new baby. We didn't have much access to a computer so I researched what I could about registries to join where my name might be matched in a database with anyone else who was looking for me. After 3 years of no results, my husband came to me with a plan: he would cash in his unused sick time from his new job and we would use that money for me to hire a Confidential Intermediary to contact my birthmother. At that time, hiring a CI cost $475 and that didn't include any extra expenses that might be incurred along the way. I was touched by my husband's unselfishness and, after filling out the required forms, I sent off my payment to Colorado Confidential Intermediary Services....and waited for the rollercoaster ride to begin. The Phone Call I was weeks away from my 30th birthday, when I received the call that would be the beginning of a life changing experience. The intermediary assigned to my case had located my birthmother---up to that point, I don't think I had entertained the idea that she might possibly reject me-----the television shows made it seem unlikely that would ever happen, and I think that somewhere in my mind, I reasoned that since I could never imagine rejecting MY child, it only followed that she would feel similarly. My only real fear was that she might be deceased and that I would have missed out on the chance of getting to know her. As fate would have it, she was still living at the same address as she had been at the time of my birth---and she was anxious to meet me. She informed the CI that she wished to get to know each other first through letters, if I was agreeable with that, with a meeting sometime in the future. The tears came and it became clear to me that I had longed for this outcome even more than I realized.....the relief was overwhelming. Secret Correspondence When I was finally given the green light to start writing to my birthmother, I had no idea the hoops she and I would have to go through in order to maintain a postal relationship. First, we were not allowed to put any sort of "identifying information" in our letters to each other---meaning we could not share our names, our addresses, or anything else that might give the other person a way to locate us. Second, we were not allowed to write directly to each other. All our letters had to be mailed to the home of the intermediary, where she would check to make sure our letters were "appropriate" and then put them in a new envelope, with her address in the sender's place, and mail it off to us. As strange as the arrangement seemed, I was eager for any opportunity to communicate with her, so I followed the rules. The anticipation of receiving my first letter from her was nearly unbearable, and when it finally arrived, I studied every word. I remembering thinking that up until this very moment, this woman had never seemed like a real person to me...she had been a fictional character I had been told about as a child. But now, holding a letter from her hand, she was an actual person. Someone who truly existed and had a name....although I still wasn't allowed to know it. Our letters to each other went back and forth for several months, both of us sharing what we could without being too overly descriptive. I learned that she had been a single mother of three small children when she became pregnant with me. Her husband (her children's father) had committed suicide sometime previously, and MY father (whom she only referred to once as 'the unkind man who produced you') was not part of her life, for reasons she never elaborated on. I learned many things about her that helped clarify why I felt so different from my adoptive family---I had always, always felt loved and accepted by them, to be clear. But there was no denying that my interests, views, and personality differed from theirs in many ways. It was easy to see that I didn't LOOK like any of them, but there were times when it felt like we weren't similar in ANY respect, and it caused me to feel a little "odd". When I finally realized that many of my interests were similar to HERS, it was an enormous comfort to me. I had a million questions I wanted to ask her about her childhood, her other children, her late husband, and family history that I was so curious to learn about. But I didn't want to overwhelm her with questions, and I figured we had all the time in the world to learn about each other, so I kept most of the questions to myself. I had no idea that "all the time in the world" was about to come to an abrupt end. The Mistake About 5 months in to our correspondence, I received a phone call one day from the Intermediary. She seemed to fumble over her words as she spoke to me and finally admitted that she had failed to let my birthmother and I know, at the beginning of this process, that we only had 6 months to write to each other through her. After the allotted 6 months time, we would either need to sign documents allowing her to release our information to each other---and be free to continue our communication at our own leisure---or the case would be closed and we would no longer have access to each other. The news took both of us by surprise, but my birthmother was blindsided and angered by the new "stipulations" and felt like she had been unfairly backed into a corner. I don't know what experiences she had faced in life that caused her to feel like she needed to fight back so fiercely about being given this sort of ultimatum, but in a final letter to me, she explained that she had not stood up for herself other times in her life, and had regretted it. She was not going to let someone dictate to her what the timetable of our relationship was and she was not currently able to reveal her identity to me. She would refuse to sign the papers. The following day, I received another call from the Intermediary, telling me that my birth mom (at this point, I had grown weary of calling her that so I had given her the nickname 'Sue') had asked her if there was a way for her to preserve HER anonymity but to receive MY information, thereby enabling her to write me letters directly and she would just get a PO Box. For a moment I hesitated; I wasn't sure how I felt about giving her all my information and still having NONE of hers, but I knew that if I wanted our communication to continue---and I did---this was the only option. It would be a long time before I would have the money to reopen the case, and from everything she had shared with me, her financial situation was no better. I had been given the opportunity to tell her thank you for giving me such a wonderful chance at life and I could walk away now. But I wanted her to be a part of my life and I wanted to know so much more about her and my heritage still. I made the decision to sign the papers, releasing all my identifying information to her. And then I waited for letters that would never come. Confusion Several months went by as I waited for that first letter to come. Each day I would walk to the mailbox, thinking surely today would be the day I would hear from her. At some point I began to worry, thinking something must have happened to her. Our letters to each other had been so pleasant and she had mentioned how she thought I was a really wonderful human being. She had even told me that all her children knew I had come back into her life, and that her middle son in particular was excited to meet me someday. I had grown up without any brothers, so this information had been especially touching to me. Finally, I contacted the Intermediary, hoping she would remember our case and be able to give me some sort of clues as to what was happening. I was disappointed to learn that she barely remembered anything about our case, and could only offer speculation as to why I hadn't heard from her yet. She suggested that, in order to help me get over my loss, I write one last letter to "Sue" and mail it off to her. She cautioned that she wouldn't be able to pass it along since the case was now closed, but maybe it would help me to be able to move forward. And in a moment of sadness and frustration, I did. I wrote a letter asking the woman who had given me life how she could be so devoid of feelings for her own child that she could not even allow me the privilege of knowing her first name, when I had been willing to allow her every last bit of information about myself. I sent the letter, and hoped healing would come Unforeseen Endings I wish I could tell you that a letter finally arrived or a phone call came, and I was able to have the reunion I longed for, but things didn't turn out that way. Ten years later, in a strange twist of events, CCIS was made aware of the Intermediary's error of not informing my birthmother and myself of the 6 month time limit from the very beginning, and ruled that it was partially to blame for the unfortunate outcome of our contact. In an effort to rectify the situation, they allowed me to reopen the case at a very reduced rate with a different Intermediary. I felt euphoric, knowing I would soon be in touch with my birthmother again, this time both of us knowing what the timetable would be. My only fear was that, because so much time had passed without hearing from her, that she had possibly passed away, so I prepared myself for that possibility. But nothing could have prepared me for what I learned the day my CI called me. She had easily located "Sue" and briefly explained why the case was being reopened. Given the Intermediary's understanding of the events, I'm sure even SHE was surprised at my birthmother's response. According to the CI, 'Sue' expressed her disbelief at being contacted. She said that she thought she had been quite clear about not wanting to pursue a relationship with me, and when questioned about the PO box, she denied she ever offered to get one and write to me, although she did admit to having all my information and knew that she could contact me if she chose to. She also said that she felt I had not understood or respected her wishes, given this intrusion in her life as well as the final letter I wrote her---the one where I poured out my feelings in the hopes it would help me "heal". The letter that I was told would never be sent to her. The CI waited quietly on the other end of the line as I struggled to speak through the sobs that were escaping. I couldn't explain why I was so upset. My whole purpose in finding my birthmother had been to thank her and reassure her that my life had turned out well. My adoptive family was the only family I knew and loved, and I certainly wasn't looking for this woman to replace them. I had only hoped that she and I could continue to be part of each other's lives in a way that was agreeable to both of us. I had never asked her to be a grandparent to my children, or to even meet face to face. I had assured her in one of my letters that if we NEVER met, it was okay with me, because I was just enjoying the opportunity to learn more about her through our letters. So why was I so distraught that she seemed to be rejecting me...again? Maybe I was disappointed to think I might never meet the "big brothers" I now knew I had. Certainly I was saddened to know that I might never have the chance to ask all the questions I had for her. But mostly, I was hurt to think that the woman who had given me life could now seem to be so cold. The mother who had raised me had been such an amazing example of a loving and nurturing human being, that I could only assume that ALL mothers felt that way for their children. The fact that "Sue" was turning me away was something I didn't know how to process. Saying Goodbye In order for the CI to close the case, she gave both of us an opportunity to pass along a final message to each other. My birthmother's message to me was brief and unemotional. She apologized for any misunderstanding but stated it had never been her intention to have a relationship with me. That was basically it. To say I felt devastated by the lack of warmth or concern for me would be an understatement, and I'm ashamed to say that my first impulse was to tell the CI that I had nothing to say back to her. But I knew this would most likely be my last words to her in this life, and the fact remained that her decision to put me up for adoption had indeed put me in a family that loved me and given me opportunities I would not otherwise have had. Clearly, if I had stayed with her, my experience with motherhood would have been vastly different. So I chose to look at the positives and decided that, if nothing else came from this experience, I wanted her to still know and understand that I would forever be grateful for her decision to place me for adoption and I would never regret the time I spent searching for her. It's been 7 years since I wrote my final goodbye to her for the CI to read, and although I have been able to work through most of the heartbreak I felt at that time, recognizing that all things have a purpose in our lives and that I am blessed beyond measure to have a family that loves and supports me, I still admit that a piece of me hopes to find a letter in my mailbox one day, saying: "I've had a change of heart--I'd like to be part of your life again". If that never comes to be, I take comfort knowing that I was able to thank her for giving me life and leave her with the knowledge that I care deeply about the woman who remains nameless. "I just want to express to you how truly sorry I am for making this unwanted reappearance in your life--- please know and understand that it was due to misinformation that was given to me by the first CI, and my obvious inability to read between the lines. I feel so terribly foolish. I find it sadly ironic that in my attempt to reach out to you, I have somehow managed to cause the very thing I was afraid of. For me, this had never been about burdening you with additional family or responsibilities...my only hope was to have a comfortable relationship between just the two of us, and to someday learn more about my heritage and roots. Although I am saddened by your decision, I continue to treasure the letters you wrote, and feel blessed at having had a moment in time to know you...my love and appreciation for you continue, and my door remains open." http://hubpages.com/family/finders-weepers

A research study at Temple University is investigating connections between language and memory in individuals who experienced a change from their native to another language. If you were adopted from a Russian-speaking country after the age of 6, you are invited to participate in this research study where you will be asked to describe events. Your participation will contribute to the body of knowledge and help international adoptees worldwide. You do not need to speak Russian in order to participate. Your time will be compensated $20 per session (total of $40 for 2 sessions). Must be between 18-30 years of age in order to participate. On-line interviews are available, so no travel is required. Please fill out this brief questionnaire in order for us to determine your eligibility. https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/BC378ZZ

[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/04/8110e59dc12356223f7fb0660d87bf1f_view.jpg[/img] "They saved my life. And when you adopt a teenager, 90% of the time you will be saving their life." - Katie Goudge, adopted at 15. After spending 20 years of his 21 years of life "in the system," Noel Anaya shared his story on NPR's Youth Radio. He began his story with a heartbreaking statement: "Walking into court for my very last time as a foster youth, I feel like I'm getting a divorce from a system that I've been in a relationship with almost my entire life. It's bittersweet because I'm losing guaranteed stipends for food and housing, as well as access to my social workers and my lawyer. But on the other hand, I'm relieved to finally get away from a system that ultimately failed me on it's biggest promise: That one day it would find me a family who would love me." Ouch. Noel continued with his story, saying, "I use 'gray hands' to describe the foster care system, because it never felt warm or human. It's institutional. Opposite the sort of unconditional love I imagine that parents try to show their kids. In an idea world, being a foster kid is supposed to be temporary. When it's stable and appropriate, the preference is to reunite kids with their parents or family members. Adoption is the next best option. I used to dream of it. Having a mom and dad, siblings to play with . . . a dog. But when I hit 12, I realized that I was getting old. That adoption probably would never happen for me." Noel's articulate description of what his childhood was like, and particularly the loss of his dream of being adopted, provides a poignant insight into the lives of thousands of teens across the country (and in orphanages worldwide) who are growing up without a family. And it underscores a painful truth: Teens available for adoption only have a 5% chance of actually being placed with a forever family. That means of 100 kids hoping to be a part of a family, only 5 will currently see that dream come to pass . . . and 95 will "age out" and embark on adult life alone, untethered by the love and stability of a family. I've watched a lot of Wednesday's Child features introducing teens who are hoping to be adopted. Sometimes while I'm watching them, the reality of children living without families hits me hard. It hits especially when they say things like this: -"Why do I want a family? Family is basically everything." "I want to just say to people if you don't have a kid, here is a kid for you who is respectful and who is honest." "I've never really had a family. I just know it from the movies." In 2013 a 14-year-old boy named Davion Only stood up in church and begged for someone to adopt him. He told the congregation, "My name is Davion and I've been in foster care since I was born. I know God hasn't given up on me, so I'm not giving up either. I'll take anyone. Old or young, dad or mom, black, white, purple. I don't care. And I would be really appreciative. The best I could be." These are the voices of children. Children pleading for love. Children who have been through tremendous challenges. Children who have experienced unthinkable tragedy. Children who just want someone who loves them - no matter what. Someone they can rely on - through thick and thin. They shouldn't have to beg for this. They shouldn't have to do video features. They shouldn't have to perform at adoption camps, or stand up at church and ask for a family. Have they outgrown chubby cheeks? Yes. Will adopting a teen be rough? Undoubtedly. But these kids didn't ask to be born to parents who would ultimately not be able to care for them. They didn't ask to be neglected or abused. They didn't ask to be shuffled from home to home. They weren't ready for these heavy experiences. But they happened to them anyway. And now we are given the opportunity to open our homes and help them overcome. To encourage them. To provide them with love and stability, hope and encouragement, limits and consistency, patience and compassion. Each of these kids is of infinite worth, and even though they're no longer tiny and chubby cheeked, they still need love. They still need to be held. They still need to be taught and encouraged. I get that it's scary. It's a big unknown. You worry how adopting will affect your other kids. You wonder if you've got what it takes to parent a kid who has been through so much. These are my own worries. I haven't adopted a teen, and I'm not sure if I'm courageous enough to take the plunge. But it's something I'm seriously considering - because these are whole human beings we're talking about. They shouldn't be brushed off with a quick, "I can't do that," or "Too much baggage." Teen adoption is worth thinking about. REALLY thinking about.

Hi, my name is Karissa, my husband and I are looking to adopt. We have been married for 9 years but trying to conceive for 5 years. If there is any mothers who are looking to put your baby or child up for adoption please contact me at karisanchez08@yahoo.com Thank you and God Bless (:

Once there were two women who never knew each other... One you do not remember, the other you call mother. Two different lives, shaped to make your one... One became your guiding star, the other became your sun. The first gave you life and the second taught you haw to live it... The first gave you a need for the love and the second was there to fill it One gave you a nationality, and the other gave you a name... One gave you a seed of talent, and the other gave you an aim. One gave you emotions, and the other calmed your fears... One saw your first sweet smile and the other dried your tears. One gave you up, it's all that she could do... The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you. And now you ask me through the fears, The age old question unanswered throughout the years... Heredity or environment, Which sm I a product of... Neither my darling, neither... Just two different kinds of love. Author Unknown

Hello! My name is Morgan and my significant others name is Andrew. We are unable to have children naturally and are looking to adopt! We are on waiting lists now but have been told it can take many years so we are hoping to find someone willing to do a private adoption possibly! Thanks for reading and hope to hear from you soon! E mail mmmmmmorgs@icloud.com

IF YOU ARE AN ADOPTED PARENT WHO CANT DEAL WITH YOUR ADOPTED CHILD ANYMORE YOU CAN ASK ME FOR HELP

Hi, I’m Priya.I’m a 13 year old.My parents get often physical with me.they’re very abusive.they admitted to not liking me. I just want to end all of this.I’m mentally so done.i want to get adopted and start a new life.i don’t know how it’s done.

April 30, 2006 I updated my information on a registry site and a search angel was able to get in contact with my birthgrandparents. They want contact with me and we spoke on the phone for over an hour the other day. They told me that my b-mom was upset when they told her I was looking for her. She has not told her daughter about me, but thats OK. I am extremly happy with what I have now and I would not change anything.

This journal is supposed to be about foster/adopt however we have been in the process of a step-parent adoption that took FOREVER. Just got the call and it will be finalized March 19th!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom just happens to be here during that time, I tell you things like this don't happen by chance. This was a totally spur of the moment trip for my mom-and she will be here for a much anticipated adoption. Eli is adjusting quickly to our home. I love this little guy. We spend all day playing, snuggling and being together. I taught him how to play catch with his bitty ball-now he throws EVERYTHING and thinks its so darn funny. Those dimples, they kill me every time. Attachment parenting is going well, he enjoys his Mei Tai time. For the past two days poor little guy has been having a mild temp and just not feeling well, today he was down right sick, took him to the Dr. and he has a "virus" so nothing we can do. It's just sad. Your forgot what it was like when your baby is sick, such a helpless feeling. So for the past 2 days he hasn't wanted his bottle much. When he takes his bottle he maintains beautiful eye contact and after bottle he plays with my face, we sing, play games making silly noises all with eye contact in cradle position for a good 30-60 min-whenever he gets tired and wants to get down we then move on to play or he falls asleep in my arms (and this is heaven for me to just love and snuggle). My house is not getting much attention. I think the bottle/cradle hold time is the best bonding tool we have right now. Over the weekend instead of trying to go to EVERYONE-cause he's that kind of baby who will "mommy shop." He would reach for a person out of habit and then he would put his head on my shoulder like he knew he was with me. So huge!!! Well since not having our eye contact and play time-cause he's sick and won't take bottle well I noticed the bond is not as deep. He tried to go to a nurse (total stranger) and a friend (total stranger.) I know most people would think I'm being paranoid but this is a lot of going with your gut. He has attachment issues. BUT I know we can heal his heart. So today I spent a lot of time snuggling and holding him while he slept-my poor sick baby. It paid off and I feel that bond starting to tighten again. Its solidified that our attachment is my #1 priority right now. I'm just thrilled to see that this attachment stuff is working and not only does it help Eli it helps me as well to love and bond with him. I get my "baby fix" by feeding him a bottle and rocking/singing to him. The love I feel for this kiddo is amazing-this is my little boy. His mom hasn't made any contact-I know this is not something you should hope for. I did get sad thinking of her missing him on his first birthday. I also thought of her when I went through his things and found a bag that foster mom told me was from her. I found his hospital ID tag, I found little clothes with tags on them. I found a beautiful quilted blanket. She loves her baby. Sometimes love is letting go and in my heart I think this is what she is doing. Given what I know about her situation and addiction issues she may have given him the greatest gift she can give him. I have a secret wish in my heart that she will contact and that we can build a relationship that will allow her to consent to the adoption. The SW feels she would very much consider consent and plans on asking for it should she contact them. Wish I had more time to write.

Signed with agency-Jan 2007 Paperchase and Homestudy- done by March 10 2007 Brianna Born-March 24, 2007 Received I 171- June 1 2007 Acceptance of referral of Brianna- 6/22/2007 Redo name affadavit 6/2007-sent to Guat. with dossier, POA, PAP DNA testing and is a match- july 2007- Recieved in Guat end of July 2007 FCI-Sept 3, 2007 Waiting for social worker report and release from family court. PA- Sept 25, 2007 PGN?

This is a link to a Newsweek article about the nightmares of adoption. I think education is required & this gives some possible resources for it. http://www.newsweek.com/id/74385/page/1

We have received a printout from the Norristown City Dirctory from the Montgomery County Historical Society (www.hsmcpa.org) . It is a list of the Weavers that lived in Norristown in 1968 and we are researching their family trees, trying to find a possible tie to David Weaver. They seem to be mostly related to each other, which seems strange by todays standards, but I guess was fairly normal back then (the not leaving the town you were raised in part). We have sent off for my Non-Id. I sent letters to Stanley Ott (The judge who handles adoption in Montgomery County http://www2.montcopa.org/courts/cwp/view,a,1434,q,20049.asp), and the Register of Wills and Child Orphans office in Montgomery County (http://rwoc.montcopa.org/rwoc/site/default.asp). I also sent a letter to George Ozorowski, but have spoken with him as stated earlier. We have begun searching through Newspapers ( www.newspaperarchive.com) from that time frame looking for Birth announcements (highly unlikely if you're going to abandon your child/highly unlikely if you're the AMom as it would be hard to explain the immaculate birth without a gestation), Hospital admissions (Needle in a haystack since we don't know BMom's last name or if the Weaver last name was hers through marriage), and looking for any newspaper story about a child (me) abandoned around that time frame. I found a site on the Montgomery County Government website (www.montcopa.org/registerofwillsorphanscourt/rwocviewer) that allows you to search wills probate. It seems to go back to the mid 80's or so. Anyways, at first glance I wasn't really sure what I would really do with it, although it was kinda cool. Well the interesting thing is, you can see a) First Name-Middle Name/Initial-Last Name, b) any Aliases said person may have gone by (often time not their given name, c) Date of Death for a given person, d) Last known address, e) Executor(s) Name(s), and f) Executor(s) address(es) . This allows you to see who at least one of their decedents was, possibly someone you were trying to tie to the family (ie different last name via marriage) but weren't sure about. I am very proud of myself for this one. We decided that since my AParents were the ones that had me baptised, a baptismal record search will probably yield nothing more than we already know. We have contacted the Montgomery County Historical Society to do a newspaper search for us, we are going to have Jeff McGranahan do a search for all hospital admissions, discharges, and birth announcements for a 2 week timeframe March 28th 1968-April 10th 1968, a week prior to my DOB and a week after. We are also going to enlist them to do a church directory search for the now defunct Penn Square Community Church (Penn Square Church) for 1966-1970 to see if any Weaver attended that church as that is where I was baptised. We figured out one weird thing, it was literally across the street from where we lived @ 606 Briar Lane at the time of my adoption. I used to play on the playground at that church all the time.

I let the phone slip a bit from my fingers only to write down in big letters for my husband to read "THERE WERE TWO BOYS!" He immediately thought he was a twin so I asked birthmom if that was the case and she said no no, two seperate pregnancies. Her memory was unclear as to who was older. I began to take notes and try to help her through the dates. The conversation went very solomn as she just could not put all the information together. I suggested that we go into that subject another night and she agreed that she needed some time. I asked her if that brother is anywhere she is aware of and she said that if it was the boy she saw at the retirement party then that family lives in IL somewhere in the Aurora area. I once again wrote this down for my husband to see and his eyes got big. I thanked birthmom for the information and asked if we could send some pictures her way. She stated she has no computer but ex hubby does. I agreed to call back the ex hubby and get his email adderess. We decided to take a couple of days to process things and I promised to all back one we got the pictures and she got hers from us. She agreed and promised to try and figure out the dates and information so we could think about finding the other boy. With a little sadness but a lot of joy I jotted down her address and then called back the ex hubby to start the lines of communication. The ex hubby answered right away. He had not talked to her and so I told him that my search had proved successful when we confirmed who she was. I asked him if we could email pictures through him to birthmom and he said yes. The most fascinating part was that he had heard the entire story back in the 80's about the two adopted out boys and often wondered about them and how they turned out! He was just as excited if not a little more than us on our progress. We mentioned the "other boy" conversation and he said he would get to the bottom of it and start right away networking with the people that he and birthmom worked with back in IL and get me some information. We thanked him again for getting a speeding ticket and said our good byes.

This reunion business can get a bit heavy and I don't know if this is going to be a phase or whether things will change, but I'm kinda getting on with my life and the whole idea of having a son that appears to be trying to self abort has made my mind shut down and I feel as if all of this 'never happened'. Its a weird feeling. I'm feeling the benefits of working through reunion and the emotions that its brought to my table to address and I'm feeling as if I'm coming out of all this good. The shame of it is, I don't get to feeling its the same for him. My son however (that still sounds weird, as if 30 years nearly has gone under the bridge of time and I'm still finding it hard as a single 51 year something to be thinking of myself as mother, even now. Maybe because when I speak to his amom, she seems to very composed and in control as if she's been a mother all her life and I guess she has. I conversely have been one for ... er.... 22 months. Kinda.) Start again, my son however, is still not working through his pain. I'm not even sure he's facing it, or maybe he is, as after one week, the drinking had stopped but came back with a vengeance and last Saturday when I spoke to his mom, she said that it was wonderful for a week, he was a different person, but now he's back to it (after celebrating his brothers birthday with them, down the pub) and he's making himself ill, the drinking is making him ill and yet he emails me to say that he's working (and drinking) hard... for the money... which I presume he's spending on... drink. Oh yay, help. So, after my sister got a bit bitchy on the phone to me tonight and left me feeling 'well stuff you', I came to the realisation that life actually could be simpler than this. I drew a bin in my diary and put arrows to it and with the word WORRY with a circle drawn around it, I put it in the figurative bin and left it there. I am not prepared to worry about him anymore, or others that are draining me. He has to make choices. He said that he had 'lost the struggle with the booze', so I emailed him back with: [/quote]you haven't lost the fight with the drink, it is a step back, don't dismay, its a war and you are going to have many battles, one you will win, another you may lose, but its the overall war you are out to conquer.... keep goin'... when you are fedup of being your own General, call the AA troops - they know how better to fight it. If it means a difference to you I will come with you to your first or any meeting you want me there... I am sleeping more peacefully at night these days, because I have stopped taking responsibility for the decisions that only he can make. Yes I feel bad about his being raised by someone else, and I saw children today that reminded me of my own feelings about that loss, but like looking into a car's rear view mirror, I just have to focus on the view ahead. If I keep looking in the rear view mirror, I will just crash and its only there as a way of moving forwards, with an occasional glimpse in it, to make sure you keep moving forwards and keep the right pace..... ya know what I mean... So, what decisions will he make? When will he be ready to make them? Will he drink himself into an early grave or will he revive in time? Only he can know this, so as cruel as it sounds, for today anyway (at the time of going to press....) I'm shutting off and going to bed. Sleep well y'all. Something strong has hit me and its quite a good feeling. I'm more in control. I'm pacing my emotions. I'm not freaking out when he does or doesn't call. I have a distraction, someone is becoming important in my life and he sent me a text... would you like to go horse riding with me sometime ....? Kinda nice to get some attention instead of always giving it...

Ok. I just saw the McDonaldŒs commercial that uses the statement, Maybe youӒre adopted! for food products that donԒt look alike. It isnt exactly offensive, but bothers me in some ґadoptive parent way. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLcdfeCSFeo&feature So, check it out and let me know what you think. Good commercial or bad commercial? Want to write someone in charge of this???? Here is McDonaldҒs contact information: CEO: Andrew McKenna COO & President: Mike Roberts Corporate address: McDonalds Corporation 2111 McDonaldҒs Drive Oak Brook, Illinois 60532 Always thinking of adoption Deborah Mumm, The Adoption Coach, http://www.everythingforadoption.com

Well my sister inlaw had another girl....number 4. My childrens birthdays are 3 weeks apart with my birthday in there to but that is irrelevant to me because it is all about my boys day. I hate to say this but my sister inlaw hates that I sometimes am more important than her which is not my agenda.....only hers. For some reason I had the first grandchild which she is still angry about for some silly reason. When we began to have problems conceiving our second child she was rather insensitive with responses that are still hurtful to this day. And then I had to hear all about her next child and look at emails of the ultrasound that really set me off. But anyway that is history. She was always good at keeping the births of her 3 kids during the fall months since my kiddos were in late May and June. Well I am over sensitive about the entire issue of not having anymore children and try to understand when friends and family become pregnant. But I felt it was a slap in the face when she kind of said she was pregnant in their Christmas card.....We all had to guess. She never sent any emails which is probably a good thing for me....kept me a little more even with my thoughts. But the looming thought of another baby coming is hard to forget when you can't have more and feel powerless. Dh is so understanding but still in the middle of the night you begin to doubt yourself and so many other things.....but then it goes back to my 2 wonderful boys I have and then I fall asleep with this smile on my face. I feel that my sister in law decided that she needed to be in the middle of my family so her 4th child (she has 2 boys and now 2 girls) was born in between my boys birthday. She knew that I would love to have more but cannot because we cannot afford another adoption. I know its all about me and that I shouldn't feel that its all about me but I am having this pity party about me.....lol I have never wished anything bad about my nieces or nephews(I love them all) but when it makes me sad its hard to go forward at times. Thats just me.

Well, here we are. We've made it to the point in our fertility treatments where we're ready to make a decision. A decision that could affect the rest of our lives. Jesse's not 100% done trying yet but I've told him if we lost another pregnancy, I was done trying, as the 1st one nearly put me in my death bed of depression. We found out last Wednesday that I'm pregnant again. But my 48 hour labs that I have had for a week now are showing my hormone levels as being low and this has the doctor concerned. Here we are....facing this nightmare....again. I'm glad we went to the DHS adoption meeting 2 weeks ago. After studying Dillon International's Korean Adoption information, I decided I didn't want to fight that fight of income, health (which Jesse's isn't good enough for Korea to give us an OK on adopting one of their own), and the years of waiting. I have fallen in love with an African American girl who is 3, at the day treatment facility where I work. I found out 3 weeks ago that she is being released to the state for adoption and that got my mind working. So after speaking to her adoption specialist and then attending that DHS meeting, we're now anxiously awaiting our first home study...and also anxiously awaiting our pregnancy results.

i fired a letter off to the childrens aid today where my brother and myself where adopted through.my brother started a search after he knew i was doing mine.he was always troubled during our growing up yrs.i think alot of it came from him begin adopted.i think he felt that his birth family really never wanted him.he was like a lost soul just floating along putting in time.my brother drowned back in 1985 while scuba diving in one of our local lakes.i miss him so much.there was only him and i left.he always looked out for me.standing at 6ft 9" you didnt argue with him and i lost alot of possible boyfriends when i was young lol.so i am now doing his search for a birth family.i want them to know what a good man he was and that he to was a father who loved his child.i am a mom also and if i had to give a child up i would want to know that they had a good life.we both had a good life and i want his family to know that.doug if your looking down i now you would approve.i love you and miss you like crazy.

IT'S ANNIE RIGHT NOT TO CALL OR WRITE , BUT AIM BROKEN WITH LOVE!WHAT EVER WILL BE, WILL BE.IT JUST MAKES ME SO SAD. LOVE TO ALL. NANA JANE

My name at birth was antoinette louise kernats, I was born at Misericordia hosp. in wauwatosa,wisc. on 3-9-1949 I was adopted by Charles and Anne yurkievich in 1950 and have lived in Kenosha Wisc. all my life. I was told that my mother was called "Indian Rose" and my fathers name could be paul Kernats. Any info from any one would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

During our time of talking about should we or shouldn't we adopt we started geting interested in reform for adoption and foster care. We hadn't automatically decided to adopt we had also thought for a short time that foster care might b for us. This led onto us wanting to do our own research rather than get social services 'take' on the system. One of my dad's cousin's and his wife had two sons before adopting from Africa and Malaysia. This was back in the 1960's so it was completely different to how it is now and something I really didn't think about as I was young. I also went to school with a girl who was adopted but I didn't know till I was 17. We have also known a few foster carers over the years. Through the internet we have found out about various sites relevant to adoption in general, forced adoption, justice for mothers and/or fathers and sites that give parents good legal advice and how to work with social workers to keep families together. There are times that I agree that it is in the child's best interest to be removed from their families and too regularly I read of children dying at the hands of a parent, family member, partner or friend. This is why we finally decided older child adoption was best for us as we really care that every child has a right to a loving, caring home. We had a friend who was a carer in two children care homes so got to know some of these kids. Considering what many had been through they just wanted to be loved for who they were and respected our friend cared about them as individuals. Sadly he committed suicide ... we should have seen the signs as he bought his son down to see us (he was living with us) then made a point of staying with his mother overnight followed by seeing his sister. He had split from his girlfriend, let her and their son stay in the house he bought then she moved her new boyfriend in. It took us a long time to forgive ourselves for not realizing. So how we feel about adoption is that it has it's place, same as foster care but both need reforms so the system is much better than it is now.